Understanding DARVO: The Narcissist's Favorite Tactic in Divorce and Custody Battles
As a former judge with over 20 years of experience presiding over high-conflict family court cases, I've seen countless instances where one party—often a narcissist—employs manipulative strategies to evade accountability and turn the tables on their victim.
One of the most insidious tactics I've encountered is DARVO, an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.
Coined by researcher Jennifer Freyd in the context of abuse dynamics, DARVO is a psychological maneuver used by perpetrators to gaslight their targets, distort reality, and maintain.
In divorce and child custody battles, where emotions run high and stakes involve your family's future, recognizing DARVO can be the key to protecting yourself and your children.
If you're feeling confused, blamed, or like the "bad guy" in your own story, this tactic might be at play. Let's break it down, explore real-world examples from my time on the bench, and discuss how to counter it effectively.
What is DARVO and Why Do Narcissists Use It?
DARVO is a step-by-step response abusers use when confronted with their harmful behavior.
It flips the script, making the victim appear as the aggressor while the perpetrator poses as the innocent party.
Narcissists, who often exhibit traits like grandiosity, lack of empathy, and a need for control, gravitate toward DARVO because it allows them to avoid responsibility and preserve their self-image.
In the courtroom, this tactic exploits the legal system's emphasis on evidence and fairness, turning proceedings into a psychological warzone.
Breaking it down:
Deny: The abuser outright rejects any wrongdoing. They might claim, "That never happened," or downplay their actions as "no big deal," even in the face of clear evidence.
Attack: They shift to offense, accusing the victim of exaggeration, instability, or being the real problem. This often involves personal attacks on character, parenting, or mental health.
Reverse Victim and Offender: Finally, they reposition themselves as the victim. Suddenly, they're the one suffering from "harassment" or "false accusations," forcing the true victim into a defensive posture.
In narcissistic abuse, DARVO is a form of gaslighting that erodes your confidence and isolates you, making it harder to present a strong case in court.
From my judicial perspective, I've observed how this tactic prolongs cases, drains resources, and shifts focus away from the child's best interests.
DARVO in Action: Examples from Divorce and Family Court
In high-conflict divorces involving narcissists, DARVO often manifests in ways that weaponize the legal process. Here are anonymized examples drawn from cases I've presided over or reviewed:
The Denial Phase in Custody Disputes: A narcissistic parent accused of emotional abuse might deny any mistreatment, claiming "I never raised my voice" despite recorded evidence. They could fabricate alternative narratives, like "It was just a joke," to minimize their actions and confuse the court.
Attack During Financial Proceedings: When confronted with hiding assets, the narcissist attacks: "You're the one who's unstable and wasting money on therapy!" This shifts scrutiny to the victim's supposed flaws, perhaps alleging financial irresponsibility or mental health issues to undermine their credibility.
Reversing Roles in Alienation Claims: In one case, a parent engaging in parental alienation reversed the dynamic by accusing the other of "brainwashing the kids against me." They positioned themselves as the victim of "harassment," leading to unnecessary investigations that exhausted the true victim's resources.
These examples highlight how DARVO thrives in family court, where judges rely on presented narratives. Narcissists use it to create doubt, delay resolutions, and exploit your emotional vulnerabilities—like fear of losing custody—to maintain power.podcasts.apple.com
How to Recognize and Counter DARVO in Your Case
Spotting DARVO early is crucial—look for patterns where confrontation leads to denial, counter-accusations, and role reversal. If it feels like you're always defending yourself instead of addressing the real issues, that's a red flag.
From my experience on the bench, here are proven strategies to counter it:
Document Relentlessly: Keep a detailed log of incidents, communications, and behaviors. This irrefutable evidence can dismantle denials and expose reversals in court.
Stay Emotionally Detached: Don't engage in arguments—respond factually and in writing. This prevents them from provoking reactions that fuel their attacks.
Seek Expert Support: Work with a lawyer experienced in narcissistic abuse and consider therapists or evaluators who can testify to DARVO dynamics.
Focus on Facts and the Child: Courts prioritize evidence and the child's well-being. Highlight your stability without retaliating, forcing the narcissist to defend their own behavior.
Educate the Court: Share resources on DARVO with your legal team to frame it as a recognized abuse tactic, helping judges see through the manipulation.
By preparing for DARVO, you reclaim the narrative and protect your case from derailment.
Final Thoughts: Don't Let DARVO Derail Your Path to Justice
DARVO is a powerful tool in the narcissist's arsenal, but knowledge is your shield. As someone who's judged these battles, I know that awareness, preparation, and persistence can turn the tide.
If you're navigating a divorce or custody fight against a narcissist, remember: You're not the problem—they are.
For more insights, check out my resources on countering narcissistic tactics or join our free masterclass to build your courtroom strategy.
Ready to take control? Explore my blog for more on parental alienation and high-conflict divorces, or schedule a consultation today.
